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You can now find me at: http://denise.mattox-live.com/blog

In memory

Follow-up to my previous blog entry on May 1:

The memorial for Brian Steele this week was nothing short of amazing. The sheer number of people who came together in his memory was moving, and to see it come together so well gave me this unexplainable JOY.

THIS is what a memorial should be like... celebrating a life and the connections a person brought together, even as we remain saddened that the person is gone from our life.

It got me thinking and wondering: if something happened to me, how would I be remembered? As I take stock of another person's life -- a person who so clearly touched so many people in such a positive way -- it makes me want to be better myself. To reach out more to others. To make people smile and laugh.

And when it's my time to go, I want the people who knew me to throw down like we did for Brian. Dance the night away. Shots all around (be it of alcohol or water!). Laughter right along with tears.

I've heard it so often that a funeral should be more a celebration of a life lived than a lamenting a life lost. The memorial this week was exactly that. I liked that... a lot. Celebrate the life that was lived, even as you mourn in your heart.

A ripple of grief

Something I love about Nashville: the music community is SUCH "a small town." Instead of six degrees of separation, if you have any connection to the community you are at most three degrees separation from any given person. It's why I can go into any live music venue and find someone who knows someone I know, and within that fact I feel perfectly comfortable.

It is also within that fact, that the loss of a musician is felt in this ripple effect, as word gets out about the loss.

On Monday, the Nashville music community lost a member who touched a lot of lives. Brian Steele will forever be remember to me as the guy with the smile that never ended. The room lit up when he walked in, usually because of his bright smile that went from ear to ear. I never got to know him even half as well as many others did, but he always went out of his way to speak to me and give me a hug. Something I always appreciated but perhaps took for granted.

One night not that long ago, I was wearing a Jagermeister t-shirt that my husband bought for me at a benefit for Brian after a motorcycle accident in September of last year. Brian was wearing a matching shirt and made sure to come over and point it out to me. We had a great laugh over that... I think when we have his memorial, I'll have to wear that shirt to it. I think Brian would like that, and probably get yet another laugh about it.

Everyone I know that had the opportunity to play with him refers to him as one of the best drummers they ever had a chance to work with. And his love for motorcycles was undeniable. Its why many take comfort knowing he died doing one of his loves on his way to his other love.

I've been amazed to witness the way the music community has come together to remember Brian. Tuesday night, at the Fiddle & Steel, I found myself witnessing quite the gathering of musicians and those connected in the community. People I usually only see down on Broadway appeared. People I've not seen in months. It was like the whole family showed up. Everyone banned together to support each other and to remember.

The music community is a small town. A family. The grief over this loss is like a heavy veil that is hanging over everyone. Every night when we all part ways, there's a sincere, "Be careful going home," offered.

We're all taking stock of our family and friends; counting our blessings. Hugs are not being taken for grated. And even strangers -- tourists to our city -- are holding out a hand asking if there is anything they can do. This city. This community. It amazes me regularly with how large everyone's hearts are.

I like to think, that Brian is looking down on all of us with his drumsticks in hand, ordering everyone a round of Crown. Here's to Brian... A kind soul who made a bigger impact on this community than he probably ever knew.

Softly Call The Muster...

April 21st. Just another day to most people. San Jacinto Day in Texas. Aggie Muster Day to Aggies.

Aggie Muster Day. It stills me. It humbles me. It overwhelms me.

For my non-Aggie readers, Muster is -- basically -- a memorial service for all the Aggies who have passed away in the last year. (The Muster Tradition on the Association website.) The March 1923 Texas Aggie urged, “If there is an A&M man in one hundred miles of you, you are expected to get together, eat a little, and live over the days you spent at the A&M College of Texas.”

Muster is held in over 300 locations around the world on April 21st every year. It is held in small towns, big cities, foxholes, ships, war torn countries, restaurants and in private residences around a dinner table. It is a time where all Aggies gather together, and have their Aggie Spirit rekindled and they pay homage to those who have passed on ahead of us.

My first Aggie Muster was in 2002 on campus. Here is an excerpt of what I wrote that night afterwards:

The class of 1952 was present for the 50th class reunion. The rememberance of their time on campus, and what they've done since their graduation... my heart filled with a pride and awe that... I had tears in my eyes throughout it all. So much and so many to honor...

...so much to live up to...

They were given one helluva standing ovation.

Further on...

Then, he turned to the present students... "the keepers of the spirit"... by this time, after hearing all the great things graduates of the schol have done, I myself began to doubt, for the first time ever, if I, myself, am good enough... if I am right... to attend this school. How can I live up to these standards? How can I truly think myself worthy? He addressed that head on, as if he knew those thoughts were running through students heads. And he issued these three questions, and if you could answer yes to them, then you belong at where you are:

"When Silver Taps is played, does it still bring chills? At the beginning of the fourth quarter at football games when 80,000 join in the Fight Song, do your eyes still mist over? When you think of that tragic November when Bonfire fell, does your heart still ache?"

I had tears rolling as I answered a proud "YES" to every question.

Even this year, seven years after that night, when I attended Muster in Franklin, TN for my third Muster in Middle Tennessee, I was moved to tears.

The Muster chair said at one point, "I hope you all leave with a revived hope that knowing as an Aggie, you will never be forgotten."

THAT statement made in 2002 is what really gets to me about Muster. You will never be forgotten. When my time in this world is over, my name will be on the roll call and fellow Aggies will answer "Here" for me.

I was chairperson for this year's Muster in Middle Tennessee. It was a LOT of work!! But it was truly a labor of love. Even as I grumbled at times that I'd not be doing it again, deep down I knew/know I'd be honored to take on the task again.

I wasn't very active as a student at A&M, really. I worked for The Battalion in the AggieLife section, but even my work done there was not what it should have been. I lived in Cameron with my parents and drove two hours round-trip every day to class. I didn't mind the drive at all -- I enjoyed it really -- but it didn't leave much room to be active in organization and clubs. And to be honest, I was at a point in my life that I wasn't that interested in being active. I had a wicked shy streak going on, and getting past it was something I was not "willing" to do. I kept my head down and did what I had to do, but I never really put myself out there.

Today, I have a new attitude and outlook on life and myself. And within that, I have this stronger interest in being active with my Texas A&M Club. I want to meet more Aggies! I want to know all of them here! I want to be right there in the thick of it all. I want to truly earn and portray my status as an Aggie.

And without a single doubt or hesitation, I know that the Aggie Muster tradition is my all-time favorite of the many traditions my school has. I am passionate about it. It encompasses EVERYTHING I feel an Aggie to be. Honor and respect of others. Love of university. The unity and family that only Aggies can understand.

We had a Longhorn in attendance at our Muster this year. He himself was moved by the tradition and even shhh'd a waitress during Silver Taps... which he too stood for in honor of our fallen Aggies. We had a former Baylor Bear, who is now going on to grad school at A&M, in attendance for his first Muster. We had spouses of Aggies. We had the children of Aggies. We had new grads, and old Ags. We all stood together that night in this unspoken comeraderie. And we'll join back again on April 21, 2010.

I, for one, can't wait.

A positive reason to Twitter

It's been all over the news the last few months. Twitter. That social networking site that asks, "What are you doing?" And like every "new big thing" it has its fans, it has its haters, and it has its lukewarm participants.

I, personally, land in that first group. Twitter has become my new one-stop-shop online. It lets me get the news, check in on friends, share pictures, have a laugh, etc.

However, it does have its "haters." I can understand this group. Twitter does come across as one huge narcissistic tool for users. Who really cares what you made for dinner, what color your underwear is, and/or if your cat just hacked up a hairball? Beyond on that, is it really safe to tell the world where you are at any given time?

Posting your location at any given moment, gives an unheeded vulnerability to your life and your safety. This is a stalker's DREAM, and even a house burglar's. I admit myself of being guilty of exposing myself with too many details on my location at a given moment. Its all too easy to do, and you get caught up in the moment, never thinking about the potential consequences.

Some question if Twitter is the death of the true blogging or journaling. In this world of faster is better, are we sacrificing well thought-out writings to made a point quickly in 140-characters? Possibly! I admit that that is very possible.

However, despite the misgivings of Twitter, I am a solid fan of the site and the "product" it provides its users. I can receive the latest news in world news, local news, entertainment and financial. They are delivered to me, by my choice, to my Twitter page, or whatever program I'm using (TweetDeck or Twhirl are my favorites). I can access it by cell phone, update it via text message, and even choose "Twitter feeds" that I have delivered to my phone via text message! (A favorite is Nashville Traffic updates.)


Herein lies my strongest vote for Twitter. The instant news updates.

Last week, middle Tennessee became the target of an EF-4 tornado. A tornado that came within about 10 miles of my house. My absolute best updates on the storms came from Twitter. People who live near me were posting updates. The local news media posted updates. All of these were available at the tips of my fingers with the simple click of "Refresh." Within hours, I knew people were safe. My home was safe. And I "met" people online who knew those who weren't as lucky as I was.

In those stressful hours, I came to realize what an invaluable tool Twitter can be. It could be considered our modern day Ham Radio and/or telegraph.

Twitter is serious in serious times. When times are good, its a fun discussion among like-minded people (some have come to call their followers their "Tweeples") that, yes, consists of what they had for supper, what they think about the latest infomercial or the fact that their cat hacked up a hairball. Witty banter, mundane day events, and hard news exist side-by-side in the Twitter universe.

As with any social networking site, post your thoughts carefully. Choose your follows even more carefully. Make friends... make enemies. Spread the news. Learn the news. Realize that jobs can be made and lost based on your Twitter posts. Realize its the Internet, and much like life... once you say it, you can't take it back.

The things on my plate

When I was in high school and college, I used to joke that I was "a tax season orphan." Today, my husband could rightfully call himself "a tax season widower."

My parents have owned their own bookkeeping and tax preparation business for over 20 years. It's perhaps pretty obvious and natural that I'd work for them through the years, and despite the fact that I majored in Journalism (and my passion lies in the arts) I continue to work the family business. And I truly do enjoy the work I do for them. It can really be a lot of fun!

The last few years, my work time has been focused on that final push of the season. The time when we have people in and out of the office constantly, and the time when the most returns are being completed a day. This year, I've alternated three weeks in Texas, one/two weeks in Nashville, then back to Texas another three weeks. I arrived back this last weekend to finish out the season.

Meanwhile, I am actively planning Muster for the Middle-Tennessee A&M Club. Everything, so far, seems to be falling into place beautifully. Which, I admit, makes me a little nervous. When it all falls together this well, I don't feel as prepared for any "disasters" that could occur the day-of the event. Then again, I feel like I'm getting really good at planning things, so maybe its falling together just because its becoming old-hat to me? Who knows. Nonetheless, I am VERY excited for it all. I so love the tradition of Muster. It is without a doubt my favorite tradition of them all.

Easter is approaching!! I'm excited Craig will be down to spend it with us. THAT will make the day complete. Counting down for it, for sure.

The warmer temperatures of Spring are already making me itch for Summer. Actually, I wouldn't mind skipping Spring just to avoid the tornado outbreaks that have already begun. I may have grown up dealing with them, but I will never be used to it. How can you be? They're terrifying, how random they are.

But as I said, summer is approaching and that means... Craig will be on road a majority of the time. I get home in time for him to head out for work. That's just the way it lands... bummer! We'll make the most of our time as we have it, of course. We always say that we appreciate our time together more due to all the time apart, and we most definitely do. We don't LIKE being apart as much as we are, but we make it work. It's just the way our life rolls.

And honestly... I love my life. More than I can say.

Hope, fear, worry, and faith

I last wrote in this blog right after the inauguration, when the country's optimism was high and hope was the feeling in the air. I still stand by my belief that optimism and hope are something we needed and still need. However, with unemployment rates at 1983 levels and home foreclosures happening just down the street on almost every street in America, optimism is hard to find again, and hope seems like a childish feeling in the face of the economy's harsh reality.

I've not written in here in awhile because I've been "on the road for work" myself. I've been in Texas working with my parents through tax season. I'm grateful for the work, and I honestly enjoy it! It's at times like this that I wish more than ever I could move Arkansas and Louisiana and bring Texas and Tennessee a lot closer together!!

Working with people's taxes, I'm amazed how the economy's downward spiral is a lot like a tornado. Hitting this house and that house, but not touching this other one over here. For every few people that are struggling -- praying for a large refund to get through for awhile longer -- there's that random person who is thriving. Their company is growing or they've just been able to more effectively manage their money. That random person who is proud of their success, but sometimes I get a sense that there's this underlying feeling of guilt to be thriving as others struggle.

Personally, I see those people who are thriving as those beacons of hope that we all still need. Hope is not childish or naive. Faith is not a lack of realism. Fear is to be expected. Worry runs rampant today. But I, personally, choose to use all of them together. Worry and fear to feed my desire to keep fighting. Hope and faith give me the determination and ability to win.

38 more days until April 15, 2009

What the world has needed: Optimism

Over the last few years, I've thought of a lot of things that I felt the collective population of this world has needed; logic, respect, tolerance, faith, and accountability being a few of those. But I never thought of optimism.

Today, our 44th President was sworn into office. A vast majority of the whole world rejoiced, and I scratched my head at that. The whole world? Really? But I also have found myself caught up in this feeling of optimism, of hope, that President Obama seems to bring to the world's stage.

No, it won't be easy by a long shot, fixing all the problems of our country and by extension, the world. I do not envy him his job. Not even a little bit. We've lived in a horribly pessimistic world for a long time, and its hard to let go of that completely. Turn on the news and hear about what all is wrong. (Today alone, the stock market continued to flounder.) The world is not going to change tomorrow. He has a very long and a very hard road ahead of him. He has opposition from places unseen as of now, and he'll age dramatically during his term with the weight of the world o his shoulders... just as every other President before him has.

But for right now, there is suddenly this feeling of optimism. This feeling that we CAN get things right for a change. And I think with that umbrella of optimism, all those other things I have thought we needed will fall into place.

As soon as you start to say, "I CAN do this," suddenly things do start to fall into place. This need for optimism and confidence is echoed in the many self help books that can be found in almost every home. How can I help myself be more confident?

By believing in yourself and in your future. By saying "I can"versus, "Well everyone is against me and this is why." This country -- this world -- has lived under the pressure of what we can't do for a long time. Every day a new law is made telling us what we CAN'T do. And we're always ready to blame someone else when something goes wrong.

Today, though, the tune changed. Today we said we will do this. We can do that. We are a strong people in a strong country. We need to take control and move forward with heads held high. And while I am still apprehensive to say, "Oh everything is fixed now." and while I still have my strong fears (for things usually have to get worse before they get better), I feel this bubbling hope deep in my heart and gut. It makes me feel lighter. It gives me this new optimism that we're going to be okay. We just have to believe.

Taking time to look back

I just finished reading the book Remember Me by Sophie Kinsella, in which the lead character loses three years worth of memories in an auto accident. Set in 2007, Lexi only can remember her life up through 2004, and she is left to struggle to fit into her own life which has changed dramatically in those three years that she can't remember.

As I read -- no, devoured would be more precise -- the book, I couldn't help but muse over how much my own life has changed in the last three, five, even ten, years. Not just how my life has changed, but how much I've changed on the inside.

Over the last few years, I've come out of my shell dramatically. When I take a personality test, I now straddle introvert and extrovert, whereas even just three years ago I still was firmly an introvert. Even as I thought I'd live in Nashville some day, I never expected it to so dramatically become HOME for me. I have made countless connections with people here and across the country whom I can't imagine not knowing today. Every connection, every challenge, every change has helped to shape the person I am today.

Today is my second wedding anniversary, and its so true when I say that I love my husband more today than I did when we said our vows on that warm January day in 2007. To be honest, I think there was a time I didn't think I'd ever marry... much less discover someone who is so completely my other half and without a doubt my soul mate.

It's been over five years since I graduated from college, and its been almost ten since I graduated from high school. Oh my how different I am since high school!! Honestly, I'm not sure I'd recognize who I am if my high school self met my married-living-in-another-state-doing-odd-jobs self.

As Christmas cards arrived in the mail -- several from old friends that I've known for many, many years -- I looked at pictures or read notes, and I mused over how we've all taken our own paths in life. How this one has children. This one has gotten divorced. That one is on the fast track of their career. These are married and enjoying their life of marital bliss. And yet we all jumped off the spring board into life from the same place at the same point. While life has taken us different ways, in our hearts we will always be the dearest of friends.

There's no way to ever comprehend what it would be life to lose years of your life's memories, but it is possible to look back and see how each of us have changed. While some of those changes were wonderful and others hard to get through, they all shape us and take us to wherever we each are at any given time. I am grateful for everything that's taken me to where I am today. Because I'm happy. I have my challenges to deal with on any given day, but those challenges only show me that I am alive and living a life of my own. Living a life I never want to forget.